onehundredbeers | (no subject)

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voice mail

(no subject)

[The call transfers to voicemail.]

Hi, this is Nathan Explosion of Dethklok. I can't come to the phone now, I'm probably in a concert... playing golf... you know, something where I wouldn't have a fucking phone with me. Leave a message and I'll call you back, jackoff.

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[Nathan shuffles around so he's now laying on the couch.]

Dude, no way. You would be so fucking burned from that. It's like a supreme dick move and even if you found a way to fucking, I don't know, pull an ice burn on me?

You'd still go back to it. "Fuck that Nathan guy. He fucking ripped off my arm on purpose and then added insult to injury by taking away my smug sense of self-satisfaction!"

Admit it. It would totally haunt you. The knowledge you were wrong would haunt you until like... the universe exploded. I know you, you'd totally dwell on it.

Ah, I see your point. I suppose I'd just have to ensure that the universe is annihilated a little early. To ease my pain.

You have a universe destroyer, or do you have to work on making on?

I can't say I can think of a reason why a man like me would be in a possession of something that would destroy the universe.

I can. You found it under someone's couch and took it home.

You don't happen to have any lying around under your sofas, would you?

Nah. I think we have some nuclear warheads in the basement though.

In the nuclear fallout shelters?

Uh, no. I don't think we have those. I mean, shit, how often do you have to worry about nuclear fall out? Other than... when you have to.

No, it's not really an issue. It isn't as if a small, irresponsible group of people have nuclear warheads lying around.

[Nathan laughs.]

Hey, we're totally responsible with our nuclear warheads. We haven't dropped that shit on anybody yet!

It doesn't count if you periodically forget you have it.

It so does. And as far as I know, there's been no, I don't know, nuclear waste leaking out turning our employees into horrible mutants, soooo...

Nathan. And I ask this sincerely. If you did have nuclear waste leaking out and turning your employees into horrible mutants, would you be informed?

You're asking the wrong question, Irving.

[He smiles to himself on his end of the line.]

The right question? Is 'Nathan, would you even care if you were informed your employees were turned into horrible mutants?'

See, I'd get informed, fuck yeah I would. Would I care? Nope. Wouldn't pay attention. I'd, uh, probably interrupt Charles in the middle of him trying to tell me about it. Could not give a fuck.

[With a rather theatrical sigh] I sometimes wonder why anybody actually signs up to work for you.

We're rich, famous, the most powerful force in the world, and, you know, the job market is falling through since worldwide economy is in shambles...

Generally, when I ponder, I either recall that or the general state of your world.

See, it all makes sense with, uh, context, contemplation, whatever.

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