onehundredbeers | (no subject)

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voice mail

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[The call transfers to voicemail.]

Hi, this is Nathan Explosion of Dethklok. I can't come to the phone now, I'm probably in a concert... playing golf... you know, something where I wouldn't have a fucking phone with me. Leave a message and I'll call you back, jackoff.

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[From all the sounds, it seems Nathan is in the living room and someone is listening to the news.]

Really? Oh man that's- that's great. That's great, Irving.

[Muffled sounds of someone else talking, then Nathan holding the phone away]

No, it isn't anyone you know. No! You can't have the phone! Go back to fucking playing video games, jesus christ.

Sorry about that. So, uhhhhhhhh... it'd probably be best if I called you like, a few hours before show time, huh?

[He politely ignores the Dethklok antics.] Yes, and then meet me on the Plane so you can pull me through? Oh, I haven't asked her yet, but could Benny come along? I think she'd have fun.

They're your tickets, you can do whatever you want with them. But, uh, yeah, that's... what I'll do. It sounds pretty fucking simple. I mean, I haven't tried it? But fuck, you know, I can do it. Hands down. I can do that shit.

Edited 2011-03-07 05:08 (UTC)

[Nathan amuses Brax so much.] I have every confidence in your abilities.

[Nathan chuckles lightly.]

Are you being fucking sarcastic? I totally think you are. Man, just for that, I'm gonna like. Try to just pull one of your arms over and then you'll be all 'oh no, my lack of faith in Nathan was totally justified, I am now sans an arm!'

And then you'd bleed to death, but I'd be all smug and shit knowing I did it on purpose and you'd die thinking you were right when no. No, you totally aren't.

[WAY TO GO, Braxiatel is now chuckling about bleeding to death.] At least I'd be able to die smug. I'd find it very distressing to die thinking I was wrong.

Maybe I'd ruin it for you. Like, right as you're about to die? Bam. I'm there. And I like crouch down and you're about to die and then...

"Hey.

I did that on purpose.

Enjoy rotting in hell, fuckface."

Firstly, that is, as you might put it, an entirely dick move.

Secondly, I'd be revived, so it would hardly be an eternity of feeling inferior in Hell. I'd just have to find a way to one-up you.

[Nathan shuffles around so he's now laying on the couch.]

Dude, no way. You would be so fucking burned from that. It's like a supreme dick move and even if you found a way to fucking, I don't know, pull an ice burn on me?

You'd still go back to it. "Fuck that Nathan guy. He fucking ripped off my arm on purpose and then added insult to injury by taking away my smug sense of self-satisfaction!"

Admit it. It would totally haunt you. The knowledge you were wrong would haunt you until like... the universe exploded. I know you, you'd totally dwell on it.

Ah, I see your point. I suppose I'd just have to ensure that the universe is annihilated a little early. To ease my pain.

You have a universe destroyer, or do you have to work on making on?

I can't say I can think of a reason why a man like me would be in a possession of something that would destroy the universe.

I can. You found it under someone's couch and took it home.

You don't happen to have any lying around under your sofas, would you?

Nah. I think we have some nuclear warheads in the basement though.

In the nuclear fallout shelters?

Uh, no. I don't think we have those. I mean, shit, how often do you have to worry about nuclear fall out? Other than... when you have to.

No, it's not really an issue. It isn't as if a small, irresponsible group of people have nuclear warheads lying around.

[Nathan laughs.]

Hey, we're totally responsible with our nuclear warheads. We haven't dropped that shit on anybody yet!

It doesn't count if you periodically forget you have it.

It so does. And as far as I know, there's been no, I don't know, nuclear waste leaking out turning our employees into horrible mutants, soooo...

Nathan. And I ask this sincerely. If you did have nuclear waste leaking out and turning your employees into horrible mutants, would you be informed?

You're asking the wrong question, Irving.

[He smiles to himself on his end of the line.]

The right question? Is 'Nathan, would you even care if you were informed your employees were turned into horrible mutants?'

See, I'd get informed, fuck yeah I would. Would I care? Nope. Wouldn't pay attention. I'd, uh, probably interrupt Charles in the middle of him trying to tell me about it. Could not give a fuck.

[With a rather theatrical sigh] I sometimes wonder why anybody actually signs up to work for you.

We're rich, famous, the most powerful force in the world, and, you know, the job market is falling through since worldwide economy is in shambles...

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collector - 2011-03-13 17:57 (UTC) - Expand

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onehundredbeers - 2011-03-14 01:32 (UTC) - Expand

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